The Onion is proud to give The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden. during this scandalous memoir, America's favourite flesh presser discusses his early years, prior to he grew to become final wingman to the chief of the unfastened international. For the 1st time ever “Diamond” Joe discusses the formative studies of his lifestyles, together with his adolescence promoting hooch in Scranton, his years cruising university campuses identifying up co-eds in a Del Rio, the grade-A tang he plowed in the summertime of '87, and his "sweet ass gig" as Senator of Delaware. talking of his personal paintings, vice chairman Biden says, "Amigo, you are only one click on clear of paying for Uncle Joe's inform all autobiography. My sweetest guitar riffs, bustiest lays, wildest benders, and sexiest appropriation money owed, it is all in there. you are going to not just listen approximately me and my blood brother Barack, yet I warrantly you are going to decide up a few tips that'll serve you good within the sack. Plus, i am deep within the gap instantaneously and very desire the scratch."
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Extra resources for The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden
I can’t count number what number occasions I cozy below the bleachers strumming my acoustic guitar whereas a good little minx positioned my p all over the place yet her v. unsure why Jesus frowns on docking the sub yet supplies his thumbs as much as women trying out their gag reflex. It doesn’t make feel to me, yet I’m an outstanding Christian and that i take his note on religion. perhaps it’s to guard your paycheck from baby help. beautiful shrewdpermanent guy, that Jesus. So regardless of having extra hard-working girls than a chinese language toy manufacturing facility, you are shocked that i used to be technically a virgin till thirteen. Now I’m no longer too specific by way of getting my rocks off. Hand, mouth, elbow, armpit, even sticking it within the again pocket of a vixen’s hip hugging Levi’s, so long as there’s friction you’ll have gentle crusing. yet I knew the honey educate could cease if I didn’t supply nearly as good as I acquired, so I practiced the vagina love it was once a goddamn piano. on a daily basis I’d installed my hour, until eventually I realized how you can play chords like “oh God convinced” and “don’t cease. ” I’m the undisputed grasp of creating women satisfied as a clam, for those who seize my that means. The strategies i do know may perhaps fill a publication. yet now not this one. You already obtained it, and that i bought to avoid wasting anything juicy for the sequel. Don’t fear although. I’ll provide you with a couple of how one can tide you over til then. a simple one to do is the Irish Tickler. That’s if you cross tongue spelunking with a whole week’s beard and a mint on your mouth. Your ’stache works the skin whereas the mint presents a tingling sensation within the babe’s orgasm chasm. It’s a flow you actually are looking to store for a high-class chick. Now in 1955 I had outfitted up relatively a name in Archmere because the King of Cunnilingus, and that i was once using up and down street sixty nine with a special woman on a daily basis. One nice afternoon, i used to be lower than the bleachers as ordinary, crooning and swapping digits with this tiny-titted kitten from the gymnastics crew. and that i suggest palms, no longer cell numbers. carry on. Shit. I’m gettin’ misplaced down reminiscence lane the following and fully spaced in this sizeable country dinner I’m presupposed to visit for paintings. Gotta break up… okay, I’m again, and that i acquired a pleasant pink wine buzz goin’, too. no longer too shabby. So like i used to be asserting, issues have been going method higher than A-OK, simply one other regimen day on the Biden Cherry manufacturing unit. Then our critical Mrs. Vanderkamp storms less than the bleachers and catches me and this woman with our pants down. Mrs. Vanderkamp used to be a well-preserved 45-year-old with a mop of purple hair flowing down her shoulders. Her black pantsuit modestly lined up a smoking scorching bod that doubtless was once coated with an identical freckles dusting her light face. yet instantly that face used to be fuckin’ pissed at me. “Joseph Robinette Biden, persist with me instantly younger guy! ” she barks at me. the lady i used to be with starts off sobbing in disgrace as i am getting frog-marched away to Mrs. Vanderkamp’s workplace. each person within the halls provides me sympathetic eyes, and I’m already making plans the post-expulsion occasion in my head. She slams the door close, then her scowl slowly becomes a sly smile. “So, I pay attention you do anything referred to as the Irish Tickler,” she says.