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By John Niven


The Times (London)

“A novel approximately golfing that isn't purely hilarious, yet gripping, horny, violent, and outrageous. . . . Niven combines his more and more extraordinary plots, and a few stunning habit, with enormous ability and, after all, huge helpings of humor.”
The Mirror

From Kill Your Friends writer John Niven, The Amateurs is a side-splitting and whip-smart exam of golfing, infidelity, and the way little white balls make a few males insane.

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Appears like this boy fae round the nook is enjoying up a typhoon. ’ forty ‘AND what percentage nights will you be staying for? ’ ‘Ah, er, jist the wan, rooster. ’ The receptionist did her factor with the pc and Lee shuffled approximately uncomfortably. He wasn’t used to locations like this. The Glasgow Radisson used to be a major smooth resort with a facade of distressed copper, ethereal open public areas, neat, minimalist bedrooms and perspectives over the River Clyde. None of those, notwithstanding, have been components in Lee’s settling on where. It had easily been the 1st resort he’d stumble upon while he stumbled out of vital Station. It have been an uncomfortable evening for the elder Irvine brother. He’d scrambled his manner down throughout the woods at nighttime, tripping and falling and slicing himself repeatedly. He’d obtained again to his automobile to discover that in this sort of falls he’d misplaced his vehicle keys. Cursing and swearing, his eyes nonetheless uncooked from the crying healthy, he’d walked in conjunction with the twin carriageway in the dead of night – leaping again into the trench while the atypical set of white lighting got here roaring by means of within the evening – until eventually he bought to the massive roundabout. ‘Newspaper within the morning? ’ the receptionist was once asking. ‘Er, naw, rooster. ’ He’d the most highway down into city. fending off the mall and the city centre, he’d minimize alongside the riverbank and over the previous iron bridge, ultimately arriving at Ardgirvan educate station earlier than sunrise. Then a shivering hour within the icy ready room earlier than the 1st educate to Glasgow pulled in at five. 30 a. m. ‘If i'll simply take an imprint of a bank card? ’ ‘Naw, ah don’t . . . ah’ll pay funds, chicken. ’ Lee flattened the notes at the counter with filthy, scratched arms. ‘You’re in 501 at the 5th flooring. simply flip left should you pop out of the raise. Oh, do you might have any baggage? ’ ‘Er, naw. vacationing gentle. thank you, doll. ’ below the stinging, reviving needles of the bathe Lee started to imagine. He relatively used to be in deep shit now. Out of the bathe, rainy, a towel wrapped round him as he smoked a cigarette, he sat down at the fringe of the mattress, picked up the telephone and dialled Lisa’s cellular. She spoke back at the moment ring. ‘It’s me, chicken. ’ He enable her shout and scream and swear for a couple of seconds. whilst she paused for breath he stated, ‘Listen tae me, listen,’ yet she was once off back. ‘Ya fucking bastard, the place the fuck have been ye final evening, eh? Ah’m hame maself wi 3 weans whereas you’re oot doing fuck understands whit and no even a cellphone name tae l—’ ‘LISA! FUCKING close IT AND pay attention TAE ME! ’ the road went quiet. ‘Listen,’ Lee persevered, ‘ah’m in hassle, correct? Ah cannae clarify now. Naw, simply pay attention. Upstairs, in ma sock drawer, away within the again left-hand nook, there’s aboot a grand in there. Take the cash and get the weans and move and remain wi your cousin may possibly doon in Galashiels, a’right? ’ ‘Whit? Why? the place are ye? Whit’s occurring? ’ ‘Lisa, please, rooster, ye need to do whit ah’m telling ye. ’ ‘Aw God, aw my God, Lee,’ she used to be crying now, ‘whit have ye performed? Whit have ye performed now? ’ ‘Shhh, chicken. It’s okay. It’ll be awright. Ah love ye, doll, so ah dae. And it’s no anything I’ve performed.

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