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By Karl Welzein

Meet Karl Welzein, aka Captain Karl, aka @DadBoner on Twitter—the Midwest's most pretty loser

Karl Welzein is de facto lookin' ahead to the weekend, you guys.

His activity is a drag and his spouse kicked him out, yet that is ok. She wears granny panties and is continually shedding wads of money at objective, and his son cries forever. Now his "temporary" roommate, Dave, ate all of the Totino's pizza rolls. back. Karl Welzein is ailing of this. So unwell of this.

Power Moves chronicles the hilarious decline of Karl Welzein on his trip from existence as a Dockers-and-golfshirt-wearing dad to a ponytailed social gathering maniac who spits out his lifestyles philosophies like a modern day Charles Bukowski (if he most popular to get under the influence of alcohol at Applebee's).

A middle-aged Michigan local, Karl will be obese, at risk of questionable style and culinary offerings, oblivious to his ingesting challenge, a negative excuse for an worker, enthusiastic about the restroom, and a poor husband, father, and good friend . . . yet in his middle he ability good. he is similar to loads of us—he loves the united states, man Fieri, daring flavors, Bob Seger, and considering he appears jacked in a decent tee and Maui Jim sun shades. Karl is an everyman and prefer no different guy on the earth all at once.

Inspired through the Twitter feed @DadBoner, Karl eventually tells his complete tale. He stocks his knowledge on health (1. examine a pic of Stone chilly Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you appear to be Stone chilly. three. bring to an end your sleeves), vitamin (Eat merely the filling of the Taco Bell Beefy Melts for optimum style and low-carb health), type (Wearin' boots with jean shorts says "I prefer to hold cool, yet i am prepared if the motion will get hot"), paintings existence (If you do not have a role that makes you must kill your self, you do not need to drink until eventually you must die), and the bliss of the correct weekend (beers, brats, and babes' chest beefers).

But in particular, it is a tale approximately America—the actual purple, white, and blue the US of this present day. Welcome to Karl's international. studying this publication is the final word energy Move.

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Makes me glance extra mysterious. TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2011 Took a cab to paintings back. Takin’ a cab to paintings is so decadent. Made a plate of eggs and toast for the journey. Felt like I shoulda requested a person for gray Poupon. loopy Cooter stated Squirrel desired to get the ’Bring fastened “just correct” and wanted till the top of the company day. inspiration that used to be cool ’cause you gotta get pleasure from strong outdated elbow grease and commitment. Then I went to select it up after paintings. It’s no longer mounted in any respect. particularly steamed, you men. Squirrel simply painted the broken bumper with spray paint and positioned a Harley-Davidson decal over the busted headlight. acknowledged I owe him $60! yes, a Harley sticky label is vintage cool. exhibits you’re to not be messed with. yet it’s now not 60 greenbacks OR a headlight. in any respect. advised Squirrel I needed to scrape the bread jointly and pay him later. And “later” = “never. ” fairly P. O. ’d. unwell of this. WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2011 Took one other cab to paintings this day. It’s demanding to return to drivin’ myself whilst lifestyles has been so plush. needs to be what Donald Trump might suppose like if he was once cool rather than now not cool. needed to get one other cab to visit B-Dubs for Wing Wednesday. wish a number of the waitresses observed and had a “Who is THAT guy?! ” second. may possibly quite repay later. Lotta smokin’ scorching babes at B-Dubs I’ve been eyeballin’ seeing that long ago. i actually gotta get that headlight fastened at the ’Bring. Gotta enormous weekend comin’ up. Can’t possibility a DUI. It’s vital to be in charge and secure, you men. I by no means understood having a “designated driving force. ” Why could someone ever wanna hang around with an individual who’d comply with do this? sixteen KAREN AND the massive B-DAY CELEBRAISH OCTOBER 20–24, 2011 THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2011 quite lookin’ ahead to the weekend, you men. get on well with a babe final evening at Paddy’s. i feel her identify used to be Karen. Mmmm . . . Ka-ren. any such attractive identify. fairly simply rolls off the tongue. I gave her a boost domestic in my deepest cab. i feel she was once particularly inspired ’cause issues acquired lovely sizzling ’n’ heavy with daring cab romance flavors. My challenge within the romance division could have been drivin’ myself round. Takin’ a cab enables you to pass “hands free,” in case you trap my flow. guy, while you’re frenchin’ a babe behind a cab and feelin’ on a few chest beefers over the blouse, you actually comprehend what God is all approximately. I’m flyin’ excessive after that rendezvous. I-think-her-name-is-Karen will be the easiest factor that’s ever occurred to me shortly. should still even thank Dave for crashin’ my ’Bring into that Taco Bell and forcing me into the realm of sumptuous own cab drivers. Gonna head again to Paddy’s this night. See if Karen’s hangin’. I bought an enormous birthday comin’ up on Sunday. need to see if she desires to be the icing on my cake. Ha! guy, Karen definite will be a few great arm sweet for my significant b-day celebraish on Sunday. I’m goin’ heavy at the ’logne. Wanna force her wild. Dave stated he constantly soaks his ballsack in Brut ahead of an incredible date. That’s most likely a the reason is, Dave by no means is going on any dates. simply smoked a bit grass to get comfy for my rendezvous.

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